I've decided, that when forced to deal with a tragic, unfortunate or stressful event in life, a letter should accompany the event to help you along. As in a few minutes after the shit hits the fan, and you're standing there dumbfounded and on the verge of tears, a sealed letter should magically appear and read a little something like this:

Dear Katy,

We are sorry to hear about your current tribulation. Here is the breakdown to the best of our knowledge to better assist you during this time: On a pain scale from 0-10 (with o being numb and 10 being unbearable pain that you think will never end) this week is going to begin in the 4's and 5's with a gradual increase into the weekend. By Saturday, a tantrum warning will be in effect for most of the afternoon, and with Sunday looming in the 0's, sleeping in is recommended.

The following week will basically suck balls, with highs being in the 9's, but by Thursday things will calm down with the arrival of family members. Your weekend should go smoothly and stay in the low 2's, with the exception of a few moments in the 10's when no one is looking. Upon the departure of above mentioned family members, highs will be in the 8's and you will be tempted to play sad music. This is strictly forbidden! (Please see page 3 for complete list of songs.)

As you enter into your final week, a meltdown watch will be in effect for the first 48 hours. Shopping and heavy consumption of margaritas is strongly suggested. Wednesday will be back down in the low 3's and is expected to hold steady through Friday, though there is a chance of pure denial late into Thursday evening. The weekend will come to a nice close in the 2's, assuming your A/C is still working, and phase 1 of this tribulation will be complete.

Total time of tribulation: 20 days
Average pain level: 5.5

Should you need to continue on into phase 2, a subsequent letter will arrive to assist you. We wish you the best of luck.