Lady of the Van

Had my first day in the after school care program I'll be working in. And it was a rough, rough day. I think I would have preferred someone just rubbing sand paper on my face.

So, long (excruciating) story short, I'm the one who's been given the glorious job of riding the van for one and a half hours everyday (not exaggerating.) And yesterday the first girl I picked up was 20 minutes late getting out of school, which...made me 20 minutes late to the next 5 schools I had to go to. Parents were called, parents showed up, parents yelled at me asking why their child was waiting for 40 minutes, schools called my school asking where the van was, kids weren't where they were supposed to be causing me to be even more late to the remaining schools, the list goes on and on. Not to mention that I had never been to any of these schools before so in order to "Pick up such and such kid at the office" I had to first find the office.

I'm hoping this was a one time ordeal. Though even if things do calm down today, just knowing that I'll have to ride that van everyday from 2:20-3:50...pains me. PAINS me.

How I really feel about reporters in hurricane territory

GET OUT ALREADY! Do you think we're all sitting home watching the news thinking, Wow! What a reporter! She's risking her life out there, about to get blown away just to deliver up to the minute news for us! She deserves an award!

No one's thinking that... except maybe your grandma. So get off your high rain soaked horse already.

Stomach. Too... Full.

Must...Stop. Eating.

It's that time of year again!

School starts today and although I have moved into the afterschool care program for grades K-3, this week I will be subbing in the preschool. (I just can't escape them!!!) I'm keeping my fingers crossed that today will be full of smiles and laughter, no hitting, no shut-ups, no peeing on the rug, no toys in the toilet, and no quoting of Fifty Cent.

I'm not holding my breath.

(I just did a spell check and the word "peeing" was flagged with the suggestion that I replace it with the word "penis." Hmmm, "no penis on the rug." Yes, I would definitely like to add that to the list of things I'm hoping won't happen today.)

Well, I'm back from Tennessee! Had a great trip and came home with some great stories, 2 new shirts, pug hair on all my clothes, and 16 mosquito bites which give my legs a nice, fresh "diseased" look- which of course is MY favorite look for summer. (sigh) Someone just give me a baby panda already!

Some freako spammed on my blog yesterday under the comments section; posted like a 50 paragraph "comment" which was really just info/advertising about his global whatever stupid business. It totally screwed up the layout of my blog. I thought aliens had attacked my sight or something. It took me forever to get it all back to normal. Whoever did that should be flogged. And punched. And kicked in the nose three times, no- five times. Then made to strip down naked so passerbyers (new word I just made up in my rage!!) could point and laugh. Finally he would be forced to sit in a chair and play Tetris with only one hand for 24 hours straight. Still naked. With bowls of soggy Cherios flung at him every time he lost a game.

There. That would make me feel betteryousonofabitch!

This just in

Dear Katy,

We regret to inform you that we will be out of order for the next 3-5 business days. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

Sincerely,

Your Sinuses

My Big Trip!

I'm flying to Tennessee tomorrow. I purchased my ticket through Priceline so of course I got the unGodly 7:15 am flight. Waaaaay too early. I mean being on a plane at 7:15 isn't too early, it's the getting up at 5 am I'm gonna have trouble with. My "goal" (ha ha) is to be in bed by midnight so I can at least get a good 5 horas of sleep. (That was some spanish for you.)

Buenas Noches everybody

COLDPLAY show

Just saw COLDPLAY this weekend. It was quite a night!

The show itself: ROCKED! Not as huge and overwhelming as a big U2 show, but the music was amazing, Chris Martin was heavenly and funny and danced around like an elf the entire time and even squeezed into one of his songs, "Make me an honorary Cheesehead." (The show was in Wisconsin.) We laughed! We cried! It was just unbelievable.

My paresthetic experience during the show: We had decent seats, but we were at the very far right, and this place is an outdoor venue like Ravinia, so I had the bright beer/food vendor lights right in my face the whole night which was a bit annoying. Then the people behind us kept talking and chatting through songs as if we were just listening to them on the radio at a party or something. But the most distracting and annoying? The gross lesbo action going on 2 rows in front of us.

The concert venue: What can I say about Alpine Valley? The parking situation was dissastrous and we even had VIP parking! There were a million people and to get down to our seats we had to make our way through (AKA- step over people) the entire lawn section. It was just a zoo, in all respects, so much so that I will probably never see a show there again.

Most memorable part of the show: During the song they wrote for Johnny Cash, the 4 guys were all downstage side by side playing it acoustically. It was this really great moment. Then this girl shouts out, "I LOVE YOU!" Chris Martin immediately replies, "Whoa! Hold on!" And they STOP THE SONG. He then nicely says, "You can't say things like that! We're all married! Sorry, but no matter how many shows I do, I never get used to comments like that. I mean, I appreciate the sentiment but...Trust me, if you really knew us, you wouldn't love us...Okay, one two three!" And they were right back into the song. It was a riot.

My overall experience: Chris Martin is dreamy...Um, I mean, they put on an amaaaaaazing show and I can't wait to see them again.

The Sound of Z

My Friday night has been so boring tonight- as in boring with a capital somebody-please-help-me-I'm-dying-here-folks-B. I've read. I've meandered around my new condo aimlessly. I've plugged in a lamp. I've even watched several episodes of the Playboy Mansion reality show. Still...absolutely bored. Excuse me, Bored. So, the only thing left to do was order in some food. I decided to try a new Cantonese/Mandarin joint called Honk Kong Chef. (I'm still waiting for it to arrive.)

I decided to pay with a credit card and was quite taken aback when the asian lady on the other end of the line repeated back my number. Instead of hearing six-zero-zero-zero, I heard sis-yero-yero-yero. Like year-o. It was just so amazing to realize that she literally could not pronounce the "Z" sound; that no matter how hard she tried, her lips/tounge/teeth/mouth would never be able to coordinate and produce the sound of Z. She got the "S" though, so I was confused as to why she didn't go for, sero-sero-sero, which would have been my personal choice vs. the rather humerous and unexplained yero. Oh well, props to her for really nailing that "Y" sound.

Carnival Days

I was out and about with a friend today and it was just tooooooooo hot outside. I really thought I might melt. It reminded me of the time when I was living in Rolla, MO, circa 1990, and I was attending the annual fourth of July carnival! Now, the carnival was the big event of the year; 4 days of riding small, crappy rides, playing really bad games at booths that your neighbors and orthodontist are working at, and basically running into everyone you know, over and over and over again.

For me, this was day two of the carnival (you had to go at least 3 out of the 4 days if you were cool, duh!) and I had conveniently "lost" my little sister and her annoying friend. I wanted to get a coke because I was feeling reeeeeally hot and it was over 100 degrees out with the sun just blaring down. I didn't have any more money so I was in search of my dad, but the more I walked around, the hotter I became. Soon I was feeling just so tired. (Boy, sounds like I'm back in the ole' van of doom!) Finally, absolutely overcome with the heat, I stopped walking, looked down at the blinding white gravel path and these exact words came to my mind: I think I'm gonna lay down riiiiiiiiight here.

And so I did. I just slowly 1/2 collapsed right in the middle of all these people walking, right on the gravel and I just shut my eyes, quite happy with the decision I had just made. Luckily! Luckily, about 10 feet away from my make shift bed were my two neighbors (one a doctor, the other a nurse) who had witnessed the whole thing. The next thing I knew, I was being lifted up and carried over to the soda booth they were volunteering at. She gave me some soda to drink until they could get their hands on some water for me. Then someone went to go find my dad (no cell phones back then, remember), and he took me home with the specific instructions to have me drink plenty of water and to eat a table spoon of salt. Yes, salt.

Which I did, and it was the grossest thing ever.

So, whenever I'm reeeeeeeeeeally hot, I think of that time and tell myself, Katy! At least you're not laying on a gravel path at the stupid carnival with a big tablespoon of salt waiting at home for you. That usually makes me feel better.

(sometimes)

One more note-worthy blog to check out

http://www.livejournal.com/users/zquarles/

(sorry koaly,I also didn't think you had a current blog up, as I couldn't fnd it. I guess you'll just have to give me spanks this weekend as my punishment.)

Givin' props (JUST UPDATED!!)

Thought I'd give a shout out to the blogs that I enjoy reading. So check them out if you're bored, or even if you're not.

And in no particular order...(drumroll please!)

http://www.americanmonkey.com/blog/
http://www.ncoleman.com/blog/
http://sawyerrules.blogs.friendster.com/sawyer_rulestrue/
http://timberbothy.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/
http://www.lizlog.com/
http://www.jacemouse.com/
http://www.zacharyforrest.com/oztown/
http://www.upsaid.com/wendykay/
http://pissant.blogs.friendster.com/heres_a_nice_piece_of_shi/

And the blog I am featuring today belongs to my good friend Lee who is one of the most wonderful and gifted writers and story tellers I know. I had been told he wasn't blogging anymore by a very unreliable source (husband) but NOW I know the truth! My undying apologies to Lee for not originally having his blog on my list.

http://www.blogs.bifrostbridge.com

From The Onion

Study: 72 % of High-Fives Unwarrented

DALLAS—Specialists at the National Exuberance Institute said Monday that nearly three quarters of national high-five slap exchanges are unnecessary. "Abuse and inappropriate implementation of the gesture is epidemic," said NEI president Avi Gupta. "Celebratory high-fives are marking such mundane accomplishments as the clearing of paper jams, the ordering of hot wings, the viewing of favorite TV commercials, and the simultaneous wearing of identical items of clothing." Gupta called for the use of restrained high-five alternatives, such as the "thumbs up" and the exchange of curt nods.

The Life and Times of Katy the Babysitter

I've been babysitting overnight since Tuesday so I've been TV and internet deprived as well as awoken by twin 4 year olds at 6 (or earlier) every morning. And I just want to say, I am so. Happy. To be OUT OF THERE! Oh my gosh..These kids! I mean I love them but I had had just about enough of "He's copying me! He kicked me! He poked the flag in my face! I don't want that, I want whipped cream for dinner!" Or my personal favorite, "Kaaaaaaaaaty, I'm reeeeeeeeeady!" This is what the twins would say when they needed me to come wipe their butts. Now, I teach these two at the preschool and I know that they are quite capable of wiping their own mini butts, so when I first heard "the call" I had to ask what was up...

"What do you mean 'you're ready'? I asked Pablo who has a thick spanish accent.
"For you to wipe. my. butt."
"Yeah, I get that part, but can't you do that yourself? You wipe yourself at school."
"Yes, but, but, but, (and he stutters a bit too) I sometimes miss all the poopy."
Pause
"I see."
Another pause, Then he hands me the toilet paper.
"So...I'm ready."

He's lucky he's cute is all I'm saying. Damn lucky.

Here's not not waking up before 6 tomorrow morning!

The Great Escape!

This story brings us to Yonkers, NY, my birthplace, where when I was 2, I was taking a nap on my parents' bed. My mom had been a little sick, and went to take some cold medicine, then came to lay next to me and read her book. Well, the next thing she knows, she is waking up after falling asleep for an undetermined amount of time and I was no longer sleeping on the bed beside her. She jumps up, starts yelling for me and I am nowhere to be found. She then notices the bedroom window open and wonders...surely not. Why and how would a 2-year-old climb out of a bedroom window??? But since she couldn't find me anywhere else,...she opens the window, and climbs out onto the fire escape. (We lived on the 1st floor of a 3-flat apartment building.) She looks down...No Katy. She looks up...and there I was. I had climbed all the way to the very top of the 3rd floor and was sitting happily with my legs dangling over the side.

My mom said she (after having a heart attack) just calmly walked up, talking to me the whole time, telling me to "Just stay there," promising me candy and who knows what else, to help ensure that I wouldn't move. As for me, she said I was just smiling, quite happy where I was. I guess I must have needed some fresh air or a change of scenery! I just wonder what was my 2-year-old mind thinking when it came up with the brilliant idea to climb out the window and up the fire escape!!

The Slumber Party

For my second story we jump up a year to 4th grade. I had been invited to my friend Carrie's slumber party. I had never been to her house before or met her mom and dad but I was of course very excited about a night of pizza, cake and fun.

My mom drops me off and I realize Carrie's dad doesn't live with her, it's just her mom and her mom's "freind." The concept of a lesbian couple was a little advanced for us 4th grade girls so we all just thought, How cool! Your mom gets to live with her best friend! That's like having a slumber party every night!

Well, after the pizza, and the cake, and games, her mom and friend wanted to take some pictures of us all together. We posed! We laughed! Then they ran out of film. Or maybe they "ran out of film." So they come back in with a poloroid camera and told us we were all going to watch the movie soon so we should put on our jammies and lay out our sleeping bags. As we're all changing, either mom of friend says something like, "Oh let's take some pictures right now with this camera! You'll even get to see the pictures right after I take them!" We all thought that was cool. And then she somehow convinced us that we would look great, or it would be fun, or something, if we were naked in the pictures! None of us seemed alarmed by this or uncomfortable, so buck it is!

I remember posing with 3 other girls. We all stood by each other, real close, and Carrie's mom's friend told us to make serious faces, no goofy smiles for this picture, this was our grown-up serious picture. After the picture appeared on the poloroid, we all gathered around to see. We didn't really have much to say, I just remember thinking it was weird to see myself and 3 other girls naked in a picture. They maybe spent 10 minutes total taking pictures of us, not long at all, then happily said, "Okay, let's get those jammies on and start the movie! Who wants popcorn?" And with that we were back to the normal slumber party at hand!

I'm assuming that Carrie's mom or her "friend" must of said something to the effect of, "Don't tell your parents about this!" I've asked my mom and she said I never mentioned anything. But you'd think one of us girls would have said something! I mean it's not everyday you're made to pose naked with your friends! I just can't believe this happened. I mean, they made it seem so fun and innocent, but it surely wasn't. And what did they do with those pictures? I mean this is kiddie porn we're talking about. I love how they conveniently ran out of film in their other camera and had to use the poloroid. I mean of course! You can't take in a roll of film with naked fourth grade girls on it to get developed!

So yeah, yours truly was Miss Katy...The Kiddie Porn Star!

The Van

This week I've decided to write about the weird stories of my childhood: that when I think back on, I can't believe my parents didn't call the cops, that I didn't die, that I wasn't emotionally scarred, or all of the above. At the time, the events were no big deal to me, but NOW, I just shake my head in shock and disbelief.

My first story happened when I was in third grade.

I always took the bus after school to the Miami Youth center where I played all afternoon, loosely supervised until my mom picked me up. On this particular day, my group of about 10 was going to the pool- very exciting, very exciting. We were all in our bathing suits already and just waiting for Andy to tell us that the van was here and it was time to go.

While killing time eating some icecream, two pals and I saw the white van pull up. Andy got out and disappeared somewhere and we three decided to go claim our seats. We climbed into the coveted "1st row in the back," closed the van door and waited for everyone else to join us. Man, were they going to be jealous when they found out we got in the van first! After maybe 15 or 20 minutes, the three of us are absolutely drenching in sweat. I mean drops are literally pouring down our faces, our arms. It's probably about 100 degrees out, which meant who knows how hot it was inside that van. Our excited chatter about the pool soon turned to talk of how hot we were becoming. One boy decides he can't take it and leaves, of course, shutting the door behind him. Now it's just me and one other boy, sweating, or should I say, slow cooking ourselves to death. I wanted to get out, but being a third grader, I wanted to keep my seat more, (priorities, folks!)but one thing was for certain: I had never been so hot in my life. Every inch of my body was soaking wet. My pal then said (get ready for this), "I bet I can stay in the van longer than you can." And what did I say to that? "Betcha can't." And there we sat, two third graders, totally unsupervised, in 100 degree weather, closed up in a van with not even a window cracked. After awhile we were too hot to even talk. We just sat there...sweating. And I wasn't sure about him, but I was becoming really sleepy.

I'm not sure how long we sat in there baking, but it was a long time and finally Andy spotted us, ran over, yanked open the door and with a look of terror on his face asked how long we had been sitting in there. When we told him we had seen him pull the van up and came to get in, he looked horrified. We, obviously didn't see what the big deal was.

Needless to say, the "I bet I can stay in the van longer than you can" game could have easily killed my friend and I. And why no one noticed two kids in the van for so long, or why my mom didn't call the cops because her daughter was almost killed due to negligence, is beyond me.
And from time to time this memory comes to mind and I think, "Oh my GOD! I COULD HAVE DIED IN THAT VAN! DIED!" It still just absolutely shocks me.

P.S. If anyone has any weird stories from their childhood they'd like to share this week, post away!